Symptoms Update

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I promise not to slack off anymore. So today is 5 weeks, 6 days based on AF. My dr appointment is on Wednesday, I'm so nervous. You see the last few days all has been well, more or less I'd say the spotting stopped. I even started to feel some morning sickness, maybe since Thursday on an off throughout the day really bad at night. Getting out of bed in the morning has been tough both because being tired and feeling queasy. I haven't been eating well either because of the queasy feeling. It feels like I can throw up at any moment if I think about throwing up. Last night I wasn't feeling well again and I remember I bought Sea Bands last go round. They are two bands that go around your wrists and have a plastic ball that pushes your pressure points to relieve you of nausea. I decided to sleep with them last night and it totally worked! There were only a few times during the middle of the night when I woke up and didn't feel right and waking up this morning only took about 15 minutes of laying there until I was ready to get up. TMI alert, when I went to the bathroom this morning I noticed blood, red blood enough to make me want to throw up and pass out all at the same time mixed with what looked like clear EWCM. I wiped again then a small streak of reddish brown on the tp. A third wipe, there was not much of anything but still a small spot of pinkish brown. The panic started. I looked in the toilet, no blood. Took a shower and everything seemed fine. Called the doctor let them know the situation, they said as long as I don't have cramping and the spotting doesn't turn to bleeding like I was getting AF I was ok. Bleeding/spotting is normal during the first trimester. Why can't I get this through my thick head??!! So as it stands right now, I have been drinking water like its my job all day, running to the bathroom every so often to pee and there is only a small amount of spotting going on. Sometimes it looks like spotty DC and sometimes it looks like what I think they call 'old blood'. All I know is I can't wait to go to the doctor on Wednesday and vent and make sure all is well down under. I took my Sea Bands off hoping the nausea would come back and I've been ok this far. All the websites and books 'say' symptoms may not even start until 6 weeks and they are on and off so one day you can be so sick and the next totally fine. So now a different type of waiting game, this one much worse than the anticipation of a BFP. I'll keep you posted on any updates, of course DH is away on business until tomorrow and I have to deal on my own. I didn't want to tell him and worry him while he was away but I don't have any one to talk to and tell me everything is going to ok so I had to tell him. He send me prayers and kisses and I hope you will do the same. xo

Sorry I Suck

I've been out of touch for no reason other than laziness. Today is 5 weeks 1 day. No 'real' symptoms as of yet. Thank God (while knocking on wood) the spotting/tinted DC has subsided. I woke up today with what feels like I got punched in my ribs. I did 'shovel' snow yesterday, actually I wasn't shoveling I just push the snow off the deck with a shovel so that my little man and go out and perhaps that is what did it. I googled rib pain and pregnancy and basically unless you are at the 7 month mark, there is no excuse. Other than that, I've been reading and hearing that the symptoms start to kick in next week so hopefully we will see what happens. I'm scheduled to see the gyno next Wednesday, 6 weeks 1 day, a week and a half earlier than the first go-round. I guess they want me to come in earlier to make sure everything is ok. Not sure if they'll be able to do an u/s, will they be able to see or even hear anything? The books all say not to expect to hear a heart beat until 9 or 10 weeks but I heard it first go around at 7 and 8 weeks. So I'm not sure what to expect, I'm so nervous!! It still hasn't hit me that I'm PG. I mean really, especially symptom-less it's just so surreal. Anyway not much else, sorry I'm boring, guess its better than stressing out like a crazy lady which is what I usually do but I'm taking a break from that today. xo

Are you there God, No, I need You

Dear God,
Thank you so much for blessing me with my miracle. I'm sorry I haven't been to happy or excited yet, I am terrified of this blessing being taken away from me. As you know, I have been spotting and I"m not sure if this is normal or the start of a potential situation. I am trying to listen to keep it calm and stress free. I pray and beg that you please let me keep this baby and give me the strength to chill out. Thank you God.
xx

So I've been doing a lot of praying this weekend. Unfortunately I missed church yesterday but that didn't stop me from praying. There has been some very light spotting (pink/peach DC) on and off through the weekend. I thought it stopped yesterday but to my dismay I just checked and its back. Ugh. I know, I've read spotting is normal and there are women who spot their entire pregnancy and go on to have normal healthy babies and I even had a friend who spotted most of her first trimester very badly who went on to deliver a beautiful baby boy this past summer but spotting = paranoia. The weird thing about spotting, when I was told first go-round my baby's heart stopped beating I was still feeling PG and there was no signs or symptoms of a m/c. If it weren't for the sonogram that morning, I would have never known, though I'm sure a few days later the bleeding would have started. My drs. appointment is 1 week from tomorrow. God willing I will only be about 6 weeks, to early to hear a heart beat and possibly to small to see one. I am assuming they want me to come in early than the 7-8 weeks because of the last m/c. I'm so scared to go, whats even more nerve racking was it wasn't my first appointment last time, it was the second with the bad news. Planning on taking it easy, continuing to drink loads of water which is starting to make me nauseous, if I think about throwing up like I am right now, I am gagging in my seat. Hmm..perhaps this is a good sign. I'll keep you posted and please think of me in your prayers. xo

Been a Long Time, Shouldn't Have Left You

Sorry its been two days, last I checked in I was cursing my lady parts and hating life. Well a few things have changed. For starters I probably should have waited to have my nervous break down until this weekend. Tuesday when AF didn't show I decided to test that night and to DH and my surprise, BFP! I'm actually still in shock. I tested twice because the positive vertical part of the plus sign was much darker than the negative horizontal part and for whatever reason I was thinking I was reading the test incorrectly which stupid me, it made a plus sign anyway so it didn't matter what line was darker. After taking the second test the next morning, same results it confirmed that my levels were high, hence the darker line. So finally BFP! The funny thing is I started this blog this month and it seems like I got PG after only one cycle but if I could bring you back, I m/c ed in September and have been trying diligently since October so its been quite a few months. So here I am officially on my way to mommyhood. I'm terrified! Honestly, so scared, mostly because I don't want what happened to me once to ever happen to me again. I will say I am not paranoid this time around though on a few occasions I have checked my undies but only since I was in the bathroom peeing anyway. Its been 3 days, no symptoms really. Under my armpits is sore and I can't sleep on my stomach anymore. Weird pain like sensation, I have reverted to sleep on my side. I am paranoid about the way I stretch in my sleep- I'm like a crazy person doing gymnastics with legs that do split like motions. I seem to twist my torso to get comfy and I'm nervous I'm hurting the baby. I'll have to be sure to ask the dr. about this. Speaking of which my gyno is out on maternity leave, how ironic. My new dr. is the one who did my d&c, sweet lady. So I am set for Feb. 11th. I also called the endo because I'm staying on top of this this time. He already bumped me up to synthroid 100 from 75 and I am to have blood taken in 4 weeks followed by an appointment with him in late Feb. Excellent dr., he got on the phone personally with me when I called his office late on Tuesday, can you believe that? DH and I were so impressed, I mean really! So that is the story. I am dying for a wax, really its a jungle down there lol, hope that made you laugh cause its really not funny. I'm scheduled for Tuesday at 11, ugh, that's going to be forever!! Anyway, that's all I have for you. I'm eating healthy and trying to exercise, I walked around my development today, its was about a mile, with my little man. Getting ready to make dinner, I'll keep you posted.

Are you there God, Its Me Margaret

No Margaret is not my name and no I never read the book. I know that I had to in 5th grade and somehow I read the first chapter, the last chapter, the back cover and got away with it.

So I'm not 'breaking down' today. I'm afraid after I cursed my lady parts yesterday AF is playing what she thinks is a funny little trick on me. You guessed it spotting stopped yesterday- midday- and there has been nothing since. I am terrified. I don't want to get by hopes up because I don't think you want me to drum up another Mariah song for you viewing and listening pleasure. She is due today. Today is day 27, where is she???!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't want her to come, I just wished I would have waiting to have my breakdown until later this week, that's all. If I don't wake up with it tomorrow or maybe Thursday I'm thinking of testing. When I was PG in the summer I tested 3 days after AF was due thinking that the plane and trip messed my cycle up.

No symptoms (SXs), except for the same sore (.) and this morning and had a bad cramp for about 5 minutes where I was sure she came but there was nothing there. Hmm..interesting. Maybe I'll test tonight if I could muster up enough pee. You see, I've been drinking tons which is making me pee tons all while conveniently checking my undies every few hours. If I am PG, this time around there will be no undie checking obsessions- I promise!

Breakdown

In reality I’m slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I’m dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise til I go home at night
And I turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
~Mariah Carey, Breakdown

So as you all can imagine, I had a breakdown last night, a pretty bad one. It started early in the morning when I woke up to a spot. I was moody and down all day because I feel that I am out of the running. What makes me so mad and upset is that I actually thought this was MY month. I had it all planned in my head. I would wake up today and call the gyno and endo and tell them both the great news. Ask the endo when I should go for more blood work and when I should start increasing my thyroid medication dosage- I am going to be ready and on top of things this time. For the gyno, I’d make my 8 week appt and ask her about all the gym classes I’m taking, will they hurt the baby? Last time around I stopped working out, this time I wanted to continue. I was also daydreaming about calling the dress place to order my wretched MOH dress, of course I wouldn’t need a size zero I’d ask them what size they’d think I’d need since I’m PG. Started daydreaming of names again and where my first sonogram was. I’d love to take a look at it again but of course this time I wouldn’t be so sad because I have good news on the way. I also thought about letting my mom know ASAP that way she could cook for me and wondered if it would be awkward to tell her the news for the second time. Then I thought about my sissy and how happy she would be, that she probably would start crying. Then I remembered- Wake the F* up, your spotting, you’re out of the game Dumb*ss. Ugh. I kept it in all day, took DH’s parents to the airport then lunch with my parents, I just wanted to be on the couch all day feeling sorry for myself. We came home around 7and I went right into the bathroom and broke down. I just cried and cried and cried. I was mad at myself, mad at God, sad, why is it that it’s not happening? Everyone else is PG or having babies and here I am with my sh*t luck. Why is it when people don’t want to get PG, like even on my TV shows, they get PG. Why haven’t I got PG already, I thought after a D&C its cake. Its not fair and what’s really not fair is that I should be close to 7 months PG. I know I can’t harp on what could have been because it’s done and over with but I just can’t help but be sad. You know you get PG and you start planning the rest of your life, why would you think otherwise and think that you are going to m/c? I remember specifically seeing the trailer for Confessions of a Shopoholic and thinking, God I’m going to be huge when that comes out but that I would still manage to look cute on my date with DH to the movies. And here I am, not even PG with my surgery almost 5 months ago. All I can ask is why and continue to be mad. And I’m so pissed at everyone, DH’s sisters for their lack of emotional sensitivity, a stupid friend who makes comments that everyone is getting PG and is due this spring and summer and BFF for asking me how I’m ‘holding up’ with the birth of DH’s cousins baby this past weekend. Am I jealous? No b*tch, I’m actually pissed at how stupid you are and how I’m not sure I even want to be in your wedding anymore. Why do I have to order my MOH dress 11 months before the wedding, so you can continue to irritate me and make me resent you, I’ll order it when I order it. Ugh. I just hate people and my lady parts. I want to be PG why won’t it happen. I know it happens when you start to loosen up and relax and don’t think about so much but guess what, I can’t do that! I want to be PG and even though I talk myself into thinking I’m not going to care every month, I do. And even though I promise myself that I’m not going to have a break down and cry, I do. The icing on this arsenic cake of mine is that my spotting is on and off today was heavy this morning, not dark or bloody (sorry TMI) but light possibly like old blood- No, I’m not getting my hopes up- and now has subsided. Is AF coming tomorrow or am I going to spot for a week like I did the last two months? The only thing with the last two months is the spotting for a week happened before being due with AF on the 27th day. Tomorrow is day 27, I only spotted a day and a half. When I was PG in the summer I spotted barely for half a day 2 days before AF and then it stopped and nothing ever came. If I am PG, then I’m in trouble with all the spotting yesterday and this morning. I just can’t win. So if I don’t get AF full force tomorrow morning than I will test Wednesday. I have ZERO hope for this month and I’m bordering with having zero hope in general. If I don’t get my hopes up than I can’t get upset, right? What also goes through my mind is with BFF’s stupid wedding the beginning of November, should I even try next cycle and risk being due on her wedding day? Should I even care with all of her recent rudeness which includes my favorite- Why don’t you wait to get PG because I want you to come to my bachelorette party in Vegas and you’ll be able to order your dress in your size (a zero). I’m torn. See this will be the month where I’m on the fence and it will work and I will be screwed because I’ll end up going into labor days before or worse the day of her wedding. Do I care? Yes, there are qualities about her that I do adore for instance she has a great heart and she would have my back no matter what but at the same time she is selfish and must be the center of attention and my pregnancy would take away from her big day. She is a Leo, what do you expect. Ugh. How many ughs, is that now? Anyway, sorry to rain on your parade I’m miserable and moody. I’m going to continue listening to breakdown on playlist.com like a loser and if I get bored I'll watch the video, now if you’ll excuse me.

Sue Me...

Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, I was tired. The last two days have been a little busy, spending lots of time with DH and running errands. Nothing much to report, right (.) still hurts I think that's about it, DC and no spotting which is great news! Sorry so short and boring, I have a Sweet 16 tonight and I have to start getting ready soon. I'll keep you posted with any updates- hopefully there won't be any and AF won't come xox

Judo Chop!

My phantom symptoms are getting stronger by the day- 6 days and counting. I woke up this morning with a sharp pain on my side, perhaps near my ovary. I remember feeling this pain once before, when I had the episode where I thought I was M/Cing and the dr. said it may have been a cyst that burst. Thing is, that lasted 20 minutes or so and I was nearly dying on the bathroom floor. This pain- though paralyzing lasted only a few minutes. It was basically an Austin Powers Judo Chop right to the ovary! Implantation perhaps? Knock on wood no spotting, the last two months I started spotting a full week before AF finally showed so I'm praying I'm in the clear of at least that obstacle. My right (.) is still killing me, yay!! I'm not complaining about anything, simply documenting my symptoms so I can hopefully not look back next month (because I'll be PG) and see what was happening when.

I've been doing a good job keeping busy. Work was crazy today and I went to the gym-cardio hi lo for 45 minutes, a killer workout that leaves me practically for dead, so much so that DH is in the kitchen whipping up something scrumptious. I tried to think about my list of things to do in life, ok I'm lying I was too busy and every time I tried to think of something I was drawing a blank. But now that I'm on the topic, I think I have a #3. Audition of a soap opera and possibly be cast on the show. Funny I know, but I think it could be fun. Plus I'm my own boss so I could potentially run into the city on an audition. Hmm..maybe if and when I ever get some spare time (I only have spare time to overanalyze my PG symptoms) then I will send my head shots out. I have a ton. I got them done years ago when I was going through my news anchor stage- that's a story for another day.

Anyway, back to symptoms, my side every now and then still tingles and how could I forget- I have the worst pizza face ever! Ok, maybe not so much pizza but definitely broken out, my perfect milky peaches and cream complexion is totally broken out and what's worse is I can't use any products. Sigh. How I long for the days of Peter Thomas Roth, or anything with salicylic acid. My symptoms are up to 3, and if you want to count DC then that makes 4. I promise I won't test but if I keep up like this I'm very tempted.

7 Days & Counting

So as the title of this post suggests, AF is due in 7 days. Ugh, the torture of waiting! Can't they invent some type of gadget that lets you know immediately? This is usually the phantom sign, I'm definitely pregnant week. Had I been right all these times I'd probably have about 12 kids by now. So besides my sore (.)(.) nothing much else to report. I took group power tonight (1 hour weight lifting cardio class) so I could attribute some of the soreness to the weights. I keep asking DH what he thinks and he thinks this is our month, so fingers crossed I'm praying.

Gosh, how could I forget, I had a thyroid appointment this morning, my levels are good. The dr is keeping me on the same dose for the next two months unless I get PG before, then he is bumping me up immediately. He told me to call him as soon as I find out. I asked if my levels were at a place where it would make it difficult to conceive and he said no, my levels are just fine so yay!! I also asked if my M/C could have been because my levels were off and I wasn't on top of my blood tests and medication and he said its hard to say since they didn't test any of the tissue and he also said not to look to deeply into it. Anyway, the blood work he was going off of was taken 3 weeks ago which is a week before O time which means that we have a solid chance this month because my levels are good.

How can I occupy myself for the next 7 days so I don't think about my phantom symptoms? Online shopping, eh, redecorating the house, maybe, cleaning, no way! I think I may volunteer at an animal shelter, I haven't mentioned I'm obsessed with my dog and I would love to help and give love to other animals. And don't think I want to volunteer just to occupy myself this week, its on my list of things to do in life- theres only like 3 things on there for now. My sister has about 50, she was the one who challenged me to make one in the first place. Mine are coach a high school sport- maybe soccer, volunteer at an animal shelter and, uh, I guess that's it. Maybe I'll keep myself busy with coming up with 50 things to do in life- I think that will definitely keep me busy and you entertained lol. Stay tuned, this should be interesting! You know according to one of my OCs, they say that a BFP could show as early as the end of this week. I won't test I promise...

Phantom Symptoms (.)(.)

Yes those are BBs, my babymaking BFF taught me that lol. Aren't they cute, I just couldn't help myself. Anway, had a great relaxing weekend with DH, I just can't get enough of him. We saw Benjamin Button, great flick, BDed Friday and ever since I've had a slight pain in my armpit, which is a great sign! Not looking to into it but my right (.) never really hurts until a day or so before AF except for when I was PG. So with 7 days and counting, it has been getting more and more sore since Friday. Other than that no other symptoms, I'm going to try not to overanyalze- its so easy when you are bored! I think I'm going to take a ride to the mall or Home Goods, observing MLKJ Day today. Nothing more to bore you with, be back tomorrow!

Is It A Full Moon?!

I'm still angry and need to vent, this is what I look like today. Ok, maybe my legs aren't that long and I have pants on. Oh, and I don't have any tattoos, but I would consider getting one. Maybe two. Little cute ones. Anyway, I am so angry I'm probably not going to O this month because my blood has been boiling since Monday. First the clients, then Bridezilla BFF, and now DH. We were supposed to have a lunch time quickie and we fought, over the client! I can't. Now the whole BD schedule is off. We are BDing tonight but I bet I already missed my chances. A part of me doesn't even care if this is the month or not. I haven't put much of an effort into it, maybe it will work or maybe it won't which will only continue to infuriate me and set off my bad behavior. Is it too much to ask for a baby? Going to pilates this evening to work off some steam...

No Humping on Hump Day

Well as the title on this post suggests, DH and I did not BD last night. We were both exhausted, I've been 'working' out, took a group power class on Tuesday (weight lifting for 1 hour) and a cardio hi/lo (crazy cardio for 45 minutes where 10 minutes in I was trying to scheme a way to leave the class without getting noticed) and just didn't have the strength in me. I made a deal with DH and asked if we could BD this morning since it would only be a few hours past 'schedule' and he said fine. Long story short we did not BD this morning and I don't think we are going to until tonight and I'm planning on taking pilates. Ugh. So the dr. said EOD anyway and so does my trusty babymaking BFF. So we BDed Thursday, Saturday-Tuesday and we will again tonight. Of course last night was probably the night that mattered lol. I just can't win, can I ? Nothing else to report, my body is totally sore for all the exercise I've been doing, thank God tonight's class is only 30 minutes. I need a break! I may or may not take Zumba over the weekend. I'm trying to get my blood flowing and eat healthy so that I can make and keep this baby :) Anyway, DH said I should drink lots of water because it will help move his swimmers, I of course googled it and can't find any supporting evidence. Anybody ever hear of this?

Venting Time

My purpose in blogging is for free therapy. It feels great to get my thoughts out there and if I have one person reading about my issues than I feel like I accomplished something. Today I had a dentist appointment. I must have told 15 people working there the reason I haven't been their since June and the reason why I didn't want to get XRays today, nobody listens. If I had to talk about my M/C one more time I was going to punch somebody. Look at my d*mn chart, its in there!! And since I'm on the topic of people I want to punch I've made you an easy reference list below:
1. BFF- She's getting married next November and I'm here MOH. She acts like she is the only one that has ever gotten married and everyone's life revolves around her and her wedding. She asked me a few weeks back if I would hold off on getting PG so I can go on her bachelorette party and basically won't ruin her wedding- I know a total Queen B*. We got in a huge fight about it. Every time I think about her, the wedding, having to order my bridesmaid dress a year in advance because she doesn't want them to get discontinued or how she bugs me to send out an email to the bridal party to 'start saving' for her bachelorette party it makes my blood boil. I'm irate just thinking about it right now. I just want to scream in her face BACK OFF. I don't know what my situation is going to be in November, maybe I'll be PG maybe I would have already had the baby but I don't want to think about things so far in advance, just let me worry about the here and now. I feel like I have this unnecessary stress because I have to make everything perfect for her and when I do find out my good news that she'll try to rain on my parade and give me the evil eye. I already lost one baby, I don't want to have to ever go through that again. I'm at the point where I don't really care if I'm even in her wedding, her selfishness has really gotten under my skin. I have had the conversation with her and she still doesn't get it, Bridezilla in full effect. My latest coping mechanism with her is for little or no phone contact, I recently realized I'm not a phone person. Oh, and one more thing. She and her fiance were at my house for dinner two weeks ago and she goes to tell me that an old friend from college is PG, actually she said she was huge. What the f* would you need to tell me this when you know, I'm still sensitive and I should be like 6 months PG right now. Ugh, I really can't stand her sometimes. Oh, and one more thing- really one last thing because I could probably go on all night, the bachelorette party. Not for nothing but I doubt I'm going. I mean I will plan the whole thing out, don't get me wrong, a sick party weekend in Vegas but if I'm even a week PG next August, I'm not going. I'm not going to risk M/Cing to make her happy. No f*ing way. She has a big problem with this and like I said to her, I can't predict where I'll be next August and next November so don't make me make plans now. I'm not emailing grown women to start saving when they know that she wants a weekend away in Vegas. They should know and if they don't they obviously they weren't being serious that they wanted to come. 2 girls from her bridal party are getting married right before her (June and October) and me and 1 other girl are trying to get PG out of the 6 she has. Everyone has a life and they are not stopping for her stupid wedding!!!
2. Clients- I'm so sick of demanding rude clients. I can't deal. I'm nice to a point but don't push me. I'm really getting sick of them wanting me to work for free. Do this and that and then not pay or pay late. One complains she isn't selling enough and if she doesn't sell than she can't afford to keep me on- well ramp up your f*ing sales force. Another annoys me with her attitude, speaking to me like I'm her assistant- excuse me lady, if you're going to have that tone than call me when you calm down and the last is a big sissy- she has to get her office manager to call me because she's scared of me. What the hell is wrong with people! I feel like I'm getting soft in my old age. I used to work in the city and was basically like a bat out of hell. Now, suburbia has changed me a bit. I need to enroll in a class to revive my inner Queen B*
3. Sister- I get a call this morning from my sissy that lives across the country, shes crying because she doesn't feel good. So I asked her if she could driver herself to the doctor or an emergency room. No she tells me because she collapsed in the kitchen before she called me. So I told her to call 911 and get an ambulance to pick her up. She's scared she tells me, of what?! I thought you were dying, why are you calling me and my parents when you live in a different time zone? Its not like I can hop in my car and come help you! So I just called her now to check up on her and she's still sleeping. The girl is always sick. If its not bad headaches then its UTIs and if its not that then its severe sore throats. What the hell is wrong with you?! Go to a damn doctor and get yourself checked out and stop moving across the country away from your family and friends- we can't take care of you from here.

I think that's it. Well, I'm sure I can go on about something or another. Like how my Dad annoyed me this weekend when I called to tell him Happy Birthday or how my Painter didn't show up today or how my other BFF calls me at the most inconvenient times, almost as though she is doing it on purpose. I am to remain calm, cool and collected. I am due to O any day now or it happened yesterday. DH and I are still BDing ED, tomorrow starts EOD. Praying this is my cycle so I can order my damn bridesmaid dress already either in a size 0 or 10. Haven't decided yet. xo

Used & Abused

Monday, sigh..I hate Mondays. Though the week tends to go by pretty quickly, I hate how fast the weekend flies by! So DH and I were supposed to be following the EOD method, we BDed Thursday, took a break Friday and BDed Saturday and Sunday. I plan on BDing through Wednesday than going back to the EOD method. I know, EOD is better, even according to my dr. but when I got PG last time we BDed for 5 days straight and I caught the egg. According to several OCs I am set to O any day now and I don't want to waste any chances. So in the mean time I am being used and abused down under. I usually hate this week because I'm always left so d*mn sore. Sorry TMI but I'm learning that babymaking is quite a game of sacrifice. No drinking, no cool skincare products, no strenuous exercise, no bad foods like sushi-just in case-and bruising down below. I'll keep you posted on how I make out, AF is scheduled for January 27th, praying she won't show up!

See Food Dieting & Bare Bottoms

Well I had a doctor’s appointment today to make sure all is well down under. You see AF has been pretty screwy since the surgery. Though I do tend to get it about every 27 days or so the last two months I spotted an entire week before she showed up full force! I should have put stock in pads, I swear, there’s nothing like wearing them for half a month. Anyway, my dr. said all is good down under but she wants me to get my thyroid in check and put on a few pounds. Ugh, how annoying! I have been the same weight since I hit puberty, its not easy putting on a few pounds on my frame. I know your thinking, what a skinny b*tch, shut it. I eat, the thyroid is totally messing me up here. Lose-Lose. My thyroid was hypo, then it went hyper then with the pregnancy back to hypo and after I M/C back to hyper. Vicious cycle. I went for blood yesterday and I’m seeing the endocrinologist on the 20th so I’ll have to wait and see if it is somewhere at a decent place.

Today DH and I start BDing- for the next 12 days. The beginning of the week is always fun but once you hit day 5 it’s like enough already! I usually ask for a wham bam thank you ‘mam (WBTM) right before I go to bed. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Just deposit the goods, I don’t want to be sexy I don’t want to be turned on or work to turn you on, I just want to use you for your swimmers, lovely I know. The kicker, I have an alter ego named Ugly Betty. Most nights you can find this fashionist wearing bottle-cap glasses, headgear (just kidding its an invisalign retainer), and the unsexiest PJs with socks- a true beauty. DH is especially excited getting into bed with Ugly Betty especially when I’m asking for a WBTM with a speech impediment. You get the picture.

Anyway, one O calculator says the big day is this Sunday and the other says its Tuesday so according to the doc we are to do the EOD method, but I’ll throw an extra few in there just for good luck. Hoping this will be my month with very little rug burn in between. That reminds me, I have to schedule my wax, I have tons of funny stories about the Brazilians that I get, like accidentally farting when by bare naked ass is up in the air while I’m on all fours and pretending I didn’t hear anything but you’ll have to wait to hear those for a rainy day. Nothing like a bare bottom. Now all I’ll have to do is add a couple more pounds to it, hoping this should be fun.
Xo

INTRODUCTION

Well where do I begin. I’ll give you the abridged version. I’m 27 years old, married and want a baby. My husband and I met in college, you could say it was love at first sight, I knew we would end up together. We both believe we are soul mates- I know it sounds so cheesy but we are absolutely the best of friends. DH (what I’ll call him from now) always wanted to be a dad, from the first minute we were married he wanted to try. Me on the other hand, wasn’t quite as anxious. Vainly speaking I’ve always been a size zero, very petite but have just the right amount of curves. I never have to watch what I eat and women hate me for that- getting pregnant would mean compromising this little body and my worst fear, getting stretch marks. Though I’d probably douse my body in La Mer, I hear they are hereditary and my mom’s tiny little 5’2 frame is covered in them. Also, I’d think about birth C-section vrs. Natural, both had ugly consequences, ugh, just the thought…

I. Trying to Conceive (TTC)

A. Giving In: After being married for 1 year, I gave into DH and decided we should start trying last winter. Funny thing is, we thought we would get pregnant (PG) the first time! As adolescents, they tend to teach you in school how easy it is to get PG. Don’t do this, don’t do that, all the same things I was doing to actually get PG and to no avail it didn’t work. Looking back now, DH and I didn’t know a damn thing about what we were doing. We didn’t know about ovulation kits (OPKs) and calendars and temping. We were shooting from the hip and totally missing!!

1. Ovulation Calendars- I found calendars online that calculate that day you should ovulate (O)however if your period (AF) is out of whack then the dates become null and void. Case in point- ME!!

2. Temping- One day I went to CVS and bought a basal body thermometer. If you are not familiar you are supposed to take your temp every morning before you do anything, literally open your eyes reach over for your thermometer and temp. I think I used it like once. Something so easy is such a pain in the butt, I have it in my nightstand maybe I’ll use it again someday soon.

3. OPKs- Great invention though I must complain for all the $$ spent they should be more effective. The first time we tried an OPK was after 3 months of TTC. We started with the two line ones that get darker the closer you are to Oing, what a waste of $$!! They are very difficult to use, DH and I would do the baby dance (BD) everyday sometimes twice a day and we weren’t hitting the right days again! So after 1 month of that we tried the digital happy face ones, finally one that was easy to use.

B. Getting Pregnant: After 6 months of TTC, 4 months of doing it for real with a combined method of using the calendar along with the OPK, I finally got PG!! DH and I had planned a trip to Mexico back in July, so we didn’t really try “hard” since I was planning on drinking margaritas and other frozen beverages while basking in the sun. We BDed for 5 days straight before we left and what would you know, it worked! I went on vacation PG but had absolutely no idea. I always felt off but there was always an excuse: motion sickness from the plane or boat, dizzy feeling from the heat, metallic taste in my mouth- well that was one I couldn’t explain but I still just figured its all in my head. We came home on a Saturday and I was expecting AF. I thought with the plane it might have delayed my cycle but I was wrong, by that Monday I tested and finally the news I had been waiting for- we were pregnant!

1. Shock- The minute I found out I freaked, I cried, I was so scared. TTC had turned into a game that I was losing and I wanted to get PG more for winning the game than I admit wanting to actually get PG. Wow, we finally did it and now I was going to get fat, have morning sickness, have to share my DH with another person, have to tell our families (for some reason I find this most awkward because its like a confirmation of having sex lol), stretch marks and worst of all actually giving birth vaginally or worse C-section!

2. Obsessive Behavior- The shock wore off after a few days, though I was an emotional rollercoaster switching from sadness to anger for no reason. Anything would trigger it. I started obsessing that I needed to stop working out, eat only organic foods, buy skincare products like the Mama Mio and start rubbing oil on my belly. DH and I started taking several trips to Barnes & Noble to pick up everything PG book on the market, we would read them in bed every night reciting tidbits of info to each other. I know, total whack job, I see it now. Also, I would google all sorts of stupid superstitious things in other cultures and I would not allow myself to do certain things like watch scary movies, I read that watching them is bad luck.

3. Paranoia- As the obsessive behavior continued, I picked up a bad paranoia type of behavior where I would go to the bathroom several times a day to check my underwear for spotting or bleeding. My worst fear would be to miscarry (M/C). I started to think about it all the time, I would wonder if I would even be sad if it happened to me. I wondered how something that was so small and so new would affect me if I ever lost it. I never really told anyone but every now and then I would make mention that I was scared of M/Cing to DH and he would tell me not to think like that. We were two healthy people that would have a healthy baby, nothing to worry about.

II. Pregnancy

A. Doctor Visits: The day after the good news I called the doctor to make my first appointment. Oh, how excited I was! The receptionist congratulated me and it felt great, I was PG and I was going to be a mom soon! My appointment was set for 7 weeks out, I was so nervous about this first appointment. What if the sonogram showed the baby and the heart wasn’t beating, what if it showed some type of deformity, I didn’t know what to expect but instead of being excited I was nervous.

1. Scary Episode #1- I woke up in the middle of the night around 4 weeks PG and I had the most intense pain in my lower abdomen. I for sure thought I was M/Cing. It felt like someone took a knife to me and twisted it. I remember crying on the bathroom floor praying that God would let me keep my baby. I made a deal with Him that night, I promised Him that I wanted to be a mother so badly and that I would be the best mother possible and that I would make a charitable donation to a children’s charity. 20 minutes later the pain stopped. I called the doctor in the morning and told them what happened, they believed it was a cyst that burst and if there was no bright red blood I was ok. All I had was a pinkish/peach DC, I guess I was ok. My paranoia to check my underwear was worse more than ever.

2. Our First Appointment- We finally made it! DH and I had the first morning appointment. I even remember what I wore, a black dress with ¾ length sleeves and flat jeweled sandals. I was determined to be a hot mom, no matter what, my nightmare would be to turn into one of those so called ‘soccer moms’, not me. I was going to be just like Posh. They called us in, I changed into the paper robe and we waited, I could tell DH was a little nervous too. I guess I got into his head. The doctor did her thing and finally the news we were waiting for, the baby was 7 weeks and had a strong healthy heartbeat that you could hear. I started crying, I never thought I would be emotional. My due date was April 13th. I guess now it was real, I was really PG and I was finally going to get to be a mom. We made our 10 week appointment and the 13 and 16 week testing appointments for downs and all the other tests that would make any PG woman a nervous wreck. I was planning everything!

B. Spotting: Spotting is a funny thing. Sometimes is means nothing and sometimes it means you are in trouble. Problem is you never know what is what, so you wait it out while it drives you crazy. Before I left my first appointment the doctor mentioned that she wanted me to report any spotting but mostly if it was dark or red in color. Great, just what I wanted to hear, spotting.

1. Scary Episode #2- I was spotting about a week or so after my 7 week appointment. It was making me a bit nervous so I called the dr. The office told me its better to come in just to make sure everything was ok, so I did. I didn’t get to see my dr because she wasn’t available so I saw her colleague. Nice woman I suppose, she mentioned before she did the sonogram that if I were M/Cing that there is nothing she could do and sometimes these things happen. Great, thanks for that info, just what I wanted to hear. My DH isn’t with me, I’m about to find out if everything is ok and you are prefacing the situation with that, ugh. She does the sonogram, everything is ok, baby’s heart is beating and everything looks good- baby is measuring 8 weeks. Thank God! I called DH the minute I got out and at the point I felt like I could finally breathe. I wasn’t going to worry myself with the spotting, I wasn’t going to run to the bathroom 700 times a day and I wasn’t going to think about the possibility of a M/C anymore.

C. Sharing The News: At 8 weeks we decided to tell our immediate family the news, my mom, dad and sister, his dad, step mother, 2 sisters and step sister. We were so excited and nervous, how would we tell them? This is the first grandchild on both sides and first great grandchild on his side though we were waiting to tell his grandmother. We decided we would invite both sides over separate, buy a congratulation card and put the sonogram inside. Everyone was so excited, tears of joy and just shear emotion and excitement from everyone- this was really starting to feel real!

1.Waiting to Tell: We were waiting to tell just about everyone. I should have mentioned I’m a very superstitious person, I believe in the evil eye- that people that are jealous of you could put it on you. Something like that. This was one of the main reasons I wanted to wait until we were 8 weeks to tell our immediate families and wait 14 weeks to tell extended family and close friends and 16 weeks to tell the world. The hardest secret to keep was telling my best friend (BFF). She is getting married next November and I am her MOH. My April baby is perfect, it won’t interfere with the bachelorette party scheduled for next August and I’ll have enough time to get in shape for the wedding next November. My BFF is funny, she’s a week younger than me so she shares many of the same character qualities as I. Right now everything is about her, her wedding, her life, blah blah, she acts like she is the only one who ever got married, its pretty annoying actually. She has even made remarks that I should either have the baby and get PG before her wedding or wait so it doesn’t mess anything up for her- I know, what a Queen B*. See why I wanted to steer clear of telling her.

2. BBQ 8, sharing some more: After much convincing I let DH talk me into telling his grandmother. I was hesitant because he sister has 3 grown married children and no grandchildren. Her daughter (DH’s cousin) has been married for 5 years, has been trying for most of that with no luck and much medical intervention. She is finally PG and is due in a few weeks. I didn’t want DH’s grandmother bragging that she was going to be a great grandmother weeks after her sister was going to be a grandmother for the first time. Get what I mean? I didn’t want the evil eye. Anyway, she swore she would tell a soul and she was so excited and happy, I could tell my relationship with her would change for the better, not sure how or why but I knew that it would.

D. 10 week Appointment: DH wasn’t sure if he should come or not and I said, you have to come to EVERY appointment and it’s a good thing he did. You see this appointment is the one that will probably affect me for the rest of my life. The doctor did a sonogram and to all of our surprise and dismay, our healthy little baby’s heart stopped beating. DH and I were in complete and utter shock! No words to describe the situation, the baby measured 9 weeks and 6 days. I just started balling. I remember thinking- what was it that I did? Did I not eat well enough, was it me stretching for something that I couldn’t reach, was it the few mixed drinks I had on vacation before I even realized I was PG. I couldn’t figure it out and I hated myself for it. I just broke down and cried and cried and couldn’t pull myself together to get my clothes back on and schedule my “procedure.” I had to have a D&C because of the risk of hemorrhaging and passing out. Since I was so far along it wasn’t safe to have a natural M/C not that I wanted to torture myself with that anyway. What killed me most was that there was less than a 2% chance of M/C after hearing a strong healthy heart beat at 7 weeks. I just couldn’t believe it. I cried for weeks, I still find myself crying.

III. Surgery

A. September 11, 2008: I’ll never forget that day. Already a day that left a bad taste in my mouth, yet another loss I had to remember on that day. My D&C was scheduled for first thing in the morning. My sister brought me be and DH came in later that day. I cried so much the day before that I had no tears left. As I lay in the room before they brought me into the OR a nurse came up to me, read my chart and said, you will be ok. Was this your first? I couldn’t answer, I just cried. She told me May 17th, that would have been my first baby’s due date but I M/C as well. She told me it will get easier and you will go on to have many healthy babies but you will never forget. A few minutes later they put me under. I woke up several hours later not feeling much of anything. As the night went on the bleeding got heavier the cramps became more prominent and my PG symptoms that I complained about over the past 10 weeks were starting to subside. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. How would I go on and get past this.

B. More M/C Stories: There is a reason they tell you to wait 3 months before announcing to the world you are PG and unfortunately I found out why. For the few people we knew, I couldn’t speak the words except to the obvious my sister and mother. DH had to tell everyone else. It was the absolute worse. The phone calls were the worst part, DH’s stepmother, father and grandmother each telling me it happens, this is God’s way, so and so had one. I didn’t want to hear it. I still don’t want to hear it. At the end of the day, its not fair. I will never know why it happened but I know that it wasn’t fair. Crackheads, Alcoholics, Child Abusers all go on to have healthy babies, what the heck did I do to deserve this? I didn’t get it and I still don’t. I came to find out that my mother M/C before me and DH’s grandmother M/C before DH’s father. I’m sad for them and I understand their heartache but it doesn’t make me feel any less sad for myself.

CONCLUSION

And there you have it. My pursuit for mommy hood comes to a bitter end and the date 4-13 will always have special meaning in my heart. As the days go on things get a little better and a little easier but I still get down and have bad days. DH packed up all the things we bought for our little one, the books we were reading, we shut the door we were planning on using as the nursery- I very rarely go in there. The sonogram, well that I’m not sure where it is. I’m thinking a safe place tucked into DH’s desk drawer maybe one day I’ll be able to pull it out and remember when. The toughest part of the whole situation are that the memories I have to look back on for my first pregnancy are good ones that unfortunately come to an unhappy end. I have trouble moving past this and I hope that I will one day soon. I’m hoping that I get PG in the very near future, not to replace the baby I lost but so that I have some joy and a little one to look forward to. I’m thinking it will help me forget the pain. My next PG will be different, I will still eat healthy and read my books but I will focus less on all the negative and the worry and just think positive for the end result. I pray that I won’t be paranoid and that I “paid my dues”. I hope I never have to go through this again. I pray that no one I care about or no woman period has to go through this. Its been just about 4 months and DH and I have been trying for the last 2. I hate to say but with each AF that comes at the end of the month I nearly have a breakdown. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to make sure all is well since AF has been off (very heavy, bleed for close to two weeks). I’ll keep you posted.
xo