Breakdown

In reality I’m slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I’m dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise til I go home at night
And I turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
~Mariah Carey, Breakdown

So as you all can imagine, I had a breakdown last night, a pretty bad one. It started early in the morning when I woke up to a spot. I was moody and down all day because I feel that I am out of the running. What makes me so mad and upset is that I actually thought this was MY month. I had it all planned in my head. I would wake up today and call the gyno and endo and tell them both the great news. Ask the endo when I should go for more blood work and when I should start increasing my thyroid medication dosage- I am going to be ready and on top of things this time. For the gyno, I’d make my 8 week appt and ask her about all the gym classes I’m taking, will they hurt the baby? Last time around I stopped working out, this time I wanted to continue. I was also daydreaming about calling the dress place to order my wretched MOH dress, of course I wouldn’t need a size zero I’d ask them what size they’d think I’d need since I’m PG. Started daydreaming of names again and where my first sonogram was. I’d love to take a look at it again but of course this time I wouldn’t be so sad because I have good news on the way. I also thought about letting my mom know ASAP that way she could cook for me and wondered if it would be awkward to tell her the news for the second time. Then I thought about my sissy and how happy she would be, that she probably would start crying. Then I remembered- Wake the F* up, your spotting, you’re out of the game Dumb*ss. Ugh. I kept it in all day, took DH’s parents to the airport then lunch with my parents, I just wanted to be on the couch all day feeling sorry for myself. We came home around 7and I went right into the bathroom and broke down. I just cried and cried and cried. I was mad at myself, mad at God, sad, why is it that it’s not happening? Everyone else is PG or having babies and here I am with my sh*t luck. Why is it when people don’t want to get PG, like even on my TV shows, they get PG. Why haven’t I got PG already, I thought after a D&C its cake. Its not fair and what’s really not fair is that I should be close to 7 months PG. I know I can’t harp on what could have been because it’s done and over with but I just can’t help but be sad. You know you get PG and you start planning the rest of your life, why would you think otherwise and think that you are going to m/c? I remember specifically seeing the trailer for Confessions of a Shopoholic and thinking, God I’m going to be huge when that comes out but that I would still manage to look cute on my date with DH to the movies. And here I am, not even PG with my surgery almost 5 months ago. All I can ask is why and continue to be mad. And I’m so pissed at everyone, DH’s sisters for their lack of emotional sensitivity, a stupid friend who makes comments that everyone is getting PG and is due this spring and summer and BFF for asking me how I’m ‘holding up’ with the birth of DH’s cousins baby this past weekend. Am I jealous? No b*tch, I’m actually pissed at how stupid you are and how I’m not sure I even want to be in your wedding anymore. Why do I have to order my MOH dress 11 months before the wedding, so you can continue to irritate me and make me resent you, I’ll order it when I order it. Ugh. I just hate people and my lady parts. I want to be PG why won’t it happen. I know it happens when you start to loosen up and relax and don’t think about so much but guess what, I can’t do that! I want to be PG and even though I talk myself into thinking I’m not going to care every month, I do. And even though I promise myself that I’m not going to have a break down and cry, I do. The icing on this arsenic cake of mine is that my spotting is on and off today was heavy this morning, not dark or bloody (sorry TMI) but light possibly like old blood- No, I’m not getting my hopes up- and now has subsided. Is AF coming tomorrow or am I going to spot for a week like I did the last two months? The only thing with the last two months is the spotting for a week happened before being due with AF on the 27th day. Tomorrow is day 27, I only spotted a day and a half. When I was PG in the summer I spotted barely for half a day 2 days before AF and then it stopped and nothing ever came. If I am PG, then I’m in trouble with all the spotting yesterday and this morning. I just can’t win. So if I don’t get AF full force tomorrow morning than I will test Wednesday. I have ZERO hope for this month and I’m bordering with having zero hope in general. If I don’t get my hopes up than I can’t get upset, right? What also goes through my mind is with BFF’s stupid wedding the beginning of November, should I even try next cycle and risk being due on her wedding day? Should I even care with all of her recent rudeness which includes my favorite- Why don’t you wait to get PG because I want you to come to my bachelorette party in Vegas and you’ll be able to order your dress in your size (a zero). I’m torn. See this will be the month where I’m on the fence and it will work and I will be screwed because I’ll end up going into labor days before or worse the day of her wedding. Do I care? Yes, there are qualities about her that I do adore for instance she has a great heart and she would have my back no matter what but at the same time she is selfish and must be the center of attention and my pregnancy would take away from her big day. She is a Leo, what do you expect. Ugh. How many ughs, is that now? Anyway, sorry to rain on your parade I’m miserable and moody. I’m going to continue listening to breakdown on playlist.com like a loser and if I get bored I'll watch the video, now if you’ll excuse me.