In Pursuit of Mommyhood

INTRODUCTION

Well where do I begin. I’ll give you the abridged version. I’m 27 years old, married and want a baby. My husband and I met in college, you could say it was love at first sight, I knew we would end up together. We both believe we are soul mates- I know it sounds so cheesy but we are absolutely the best of friends. DH (what I’ll call him from now) always wanted to be a dad, from the first minute we were married he wanted to try. Me on the other hand, wasn’t quite as anxious. Vainly speaking I’ve always been a size zero, very petite but have just the right amount of curves. I never have to watch what I eat and women hate me for that- getting pregnant would mean compromising this little body and my worst fear, getting stretch marks. Though I’d probably douse my body in La Mer, I hear they are hereditary and my mom’s tiny little 5’2 frame is covered in them. Also, I’d think about birth C-section vrs. Natural, both had ugly consequences, ugh, just the thought…

I. Trying to Conceive (TTC)

A. Giving In: After being married for 1 year, I gave into DH and decided we should start trying last winter. Funny thing is, we thought we would get pregnant (PG) the first time! As adolescents, they tend to teach you in school how easy it is to get PG. Don’t do this, don’t do that, all the same things I was doing to actually get PG and to no avail it didn’t work. Looking back now, DH and I didn’t know a damn thing about what we were doing. We didn’t know about ovulation kits (OPKs) and calendars and temping. We were shooting from the hip and totally missing!!

1. Ovulation Calendars- I found calendars online that calculate that day you should ovulate (O)however if your period (AF) is out of whack then the dates become null and void. Case in point- ME!!

2. Temping- One day I went to CVS and bought a basal body thermometer. If you are not familiar you are supposed to take your temp every morning before you do anything, literally open your eyes reach over for your thermometer and temp. I think I used it like once. Something so easy is such a pain in the butt, I have it in my nightstand maybe I’ll use it again someday soon.

3. OPKs- Great invention though I must complain for all the $$ spent they should be more effective. The first time we tried an OPK was after 3 months of TTC. We started with the two line ones that get darker the closer you are to Oing, what a waste of $$!! They are very difficult to use, DH and I would do the baby dance (BD) everyday sometimes twice a day and we weren’t hitting the right days again! So after 1 month of that we tried the digital happy face ones, finally one that was easy to use.

B. Getting Pregnant: After 6 months of TTC, 4 months of doing it for real with a combined method of using the calendar along with the OPK, I finally got PG!! DH and I had planned a trip to Mexico back in July, so we didn’t really try “hard” since I was planning on drinking margaritas and other frozen beverages while basking in the sun. We BDed for 5 days straight before we left and what would you know, it worked! I went on vacation PG but had absolutely no idea. I always felt off but there was always an excuse: motion sickness from the plane or boat, dizzy feeling from the heat, metallic taste in my mouth- well that was one I couldn’t explain but I still just figured its all in my head. We came home on a Saturday and I was expecting AF. I thought with the plane it might have delayed my cycle but I was wrong, by that Monday I tested and finally the news I had been waiting for- we were pregnant!

1. Shock- The minute I found out I freaked, I cried, I was so scared. TTC had turned into a game that I was losing and I wanted to get PG more for winning the game than I admit wanting to actually get PG. Wow, we finally did it and now I was going to get fat, have morning sickness, have to share my DH with another person, have to tell our families (for some reason I find this most awkward because its like a confirmation of having sex lol), stretch marks and worst of all actually giving birth vaginally or worse C-section!

2. Obsessive Behavior- The shock wore off after a few days, though I was an emotional rollercoaster switching from sadness to anger for no reason. Anything would trigger it. I started obsessing that I needed to stop working out, eat only organic foods, buy skincare products like the Mama Mio and start rubbing oil on my belly. DH and I started taking several trips to Barnes & Noble to pick up everything PG book on the market, we would read them in bed every night reciting tidbits of info to each other. I know, total whack job, I see it now. Also, I would google all sorts of stupid superstitious things in other cultures and I would not allow myself to do certain things like watch scary movies, I read that watching them is bad luck.

3. Paranoia- As the obsessive behavior continued, I picked up a bad paranoia type of behavior where I would go to the bathroom several times a day to check my underwear for spotting or bleeding. My worst fear would be to miscarry (M/C). I started to think about it all the time, I would wonder if I would even be sad if it happened to me. I wondered how something that was so small and so new would affect me if I ever lost it. I never really told anyone but every now and then I would make mention that I was scared of M/Cing to DH and he would tell me not to think like that. We were two healthy people that would have a healthy baby, nothing to worry about.

II. Pregnancy

A. Doctor Visits: The day after the good news I called the doctor to make my first appointment. Oh, how excited I was! The receptionist congratulated me and it felt great, I was PG and I was going to be a mom soon! My appointment was set for 7 weeks out, I was so nervous about this first appointment. What if the sonogram showed the baby and the heart wasn’t beating, what if it showed some type of deformity, I didn’t know what to expect but instead of being excited I was nervous.

1. Scary Episode #1- I woke up in the middle of the night around 4 weeks PG and I had the most intense pain in my lower abdomen. I for sure thought I was M/Cing. It felt like someone took a knife to me and twisted it. I remember crying on the bathroom floor praying that God would let me keep my baby. I made a deal with Him that night, I promised Him that I wanted to be a mother so badly and that I would be the best mother possible and that I would make a charitable donation to a children’s charity. 20 minutes later the pain stopped. I called the doctor in the morning and told them what happened, they believed it was a cyst that burst and if there was no bright red blood I was ok. All I had was a pinkish/peach DC, I guess I was ok. My paranoia to check my underwear was worse more than ever.

2. Our First Appointment- We finally made it! DH and I had the first morning appointment. I even remember what I wore, a black dress with ¾ length sleeves and flat jeweled sandals. I was determined to be a hot mom, no matter what, my nightmare would be to turn into one of those so called ‘soccer moms’, not me. I was going to be just like Posh. They called us in, I changed into the paper robe and we waited, I could tell DH was a little nervous too. I guess I got into his head. The doctor did her thing and finally the news we were waiting for, the baby was 7 weeks and had a strong healthy heartbeat that you could hear. I started crying, I never thought I would be emotional. My due date was April 13th. I guess now it was real, I was really PG and I was finally going to get to be a mom. We made our 10 week appointment and the 13 and 16 week testing appointments for downs and all the other tests that would make any PG woman a nervous wreck. I was planning everything!

B. Spotting: Spotting is a funny thing. Sometimes is means nothing and sometimes it means you are in trouble. Problem is you never know what is what, so you wait it out while it drives you crazy. Before I left my first appointment the doctor mentioned that she wanted me to report any spotting but mostly if it was dark or red in color. Great, just what I wanted to hear, spotting.

1. Scary Episode #2- I was spotting about a week or so after my 7 week appointment. It was making me a bit nervous so I called the dr. The office told me its better to come in just to make sure everything was ok, so I did. I didn’t get to see my dr because she wasn’t available so I saw her colleague. Nice woman I suppose, she mentioned before she did the sonogram that if I were M/Cing that there is nothing she could do and sometimes these things happen. Great, thanks for that info, just what I wanted to hear. My DH isn’t with me, I’m about to find out if everything is ok and you are prefacing the situation with that, ugh. She does the sonogram, everything is ok, baby’s heart is beating and everything looks good- baby is measuring 8 weeks. Thank God! I called DH the minute I got out and at the point I felt like I could finally breathe. I wasn’t going to worry myself with the spotting, I wasn’t going to run to the bathroom 700 times a day and I wasn’t going to think about the possibility of a M/C anymore.

C. Sharing The News: At 8 weeks we decided to tell our immediate family the news, my mom, dad and sister, his dad, step mother, 2 sisters and step sister. We were so excited and nervous, how would we tell them? This is the first grandchild on both sides and first great grandchild on his side though we were waiting to tell his grandmother. We decided we would invite both sides over separate, buy a congratulation card and put the sonogram inside. Everyone was so excited, tears of joy and just shear emotion and excitement from everyone- this was really starting to feel real!

1.Waiting to Tell: We were waiting to tell just about everyone. I should have mentioned I’m a very superstitious person, I believe in the evil eye- that people that are jealous of you could put it on you. Something like that. This was one of the main reasons I wanted to wait until we were 8 weeks to tell our immediate families and wait 14 weeks to tell extended family and close friends and 16 weeks to tell the world. The hardest secret to keep was telling my best friend (BFF). She is getting married next November and I am her MOH. My April baby is perfect, it won’t interfere with the bachelorette party scheduled for next August and I’ll have enough time to get in shape for the wedding next November. My BFF is funny, she’s a week younger than me so she shares many of the same character qualities as I. Right now everything is about her, her wedding, her life, blah blah, she acts like she is the only one who ever got married, its pretty annoying actually. She has even made remarks that I should either have the baby and get PG before her wedding or wait so it doesn’t mess anything up for her- I know, what a Queen B*. See why I wanted to steer clear of telling her.

2. BBQ 8, sharing some more: After much convincing I let DH talk me into telling his grandmother. I was hesitant because he sister has 3 grown married children and no grandchildren. Her daughter (DH’s cousin) has been married for 5 years, has been trying for most of that with no luck and much medical intervention. She is finally PG and is due in a few weeks. I didn’t want DH’s grandmother bragging that she was going to be a great grandmother weeks after her sister was going to be a grandmother for the first time. Get what I mean? I didn’t want the evil eye. Anyway, she swore she would tell a soul and she was so excited and happy, I could tell my relationship with her would change for the better, not sure how or why but I knew that it would.

D. 10 week Appointment: DH wasn’t sure if he should come or not and I said, you have to come to EVERY appointment and it’s a good thing he did. You see this appointment is the one that will probably affect me for the rest of my life. The doctor did a sonogram and to all of our surprise and dismay, our healthy little baby’s heart stopped beating. DH and I were in complete and utter shock! No words to describe the situation, the baby measured 9 weeks and 6 days. I just started balling. I remember thinking- what was it that I did? Did I not eat well enough, was it me stretching for something that I couldn’t reach, was it the few mixed drinks I had on vacation before I even realized I was PG. I couldn’t figure it out and I hated myself for it. I just broke down and cried and cried and couldn’t pull myself together to get my clothes back on and schedule my “procedure.” I had to have a D&C because of the risk of hemorrhaging and passing out. Since I was so far along it wasn’t safe to have a natural M/C not that I wanted to torture myself with that anyway. What killed me most was that there was less than a 2% chance of M/C after hearing a strong healthy heart beat at 7 weeks. I just couldn’t believe it. I cried for weeks, I still find myself crying.

III. Surgery

A. September 11, 2008: I’ll never forget that day. Already a day that left a bad taste in my mouth, yet another loss I had to remember on that day. My D&C was scheduled for first thing in the morning. My sister brought me be and DH came in later that day. I cried so much the day before that I had no tears left. As I lay in the room before they brought me into the OR a nurse came up to me, read my chart and said, you will be ok. Was this your first? I couldn’t answer, I just cried. She told me May 17th, that would have been my first baby’s due date but I M/C as well. She told me it will get easier and you will go on to have many healthy babies but you will never forget. A few minutes later they put me under. I woke up several hours later not feeling much of anything. As the night went on the bleeding got heavier the cramps became more prominent and my PG symptoms that I complained about over the past 10 weeks were starting to subside. I just couldn’t believe what was happening. How would I go on and get past this.

B. More M/C Stories: There is a reason they tell you to wait 3 months before announcing to the world you are PG and unfortunately I found out why. For the few people we knew, I couldn’t speak the words except to the obvious my sister and mother. DH had to tell everyone else. It was the absolute worse. The phone calls were the worst part, DH’s stepmother, father and grandmother each telling me it happens, this is God’s way, so and so had one. I didn’t want to hear it. I still don’t want to hear it. At the end of the day, its not fair. I will never know why it happened but I know that it wasn’t fair. Crackheads, Alcoholics, Child Abusers all go on to have healthy babies, what the heck did I do to deserve this? I didn’t get it and I still don’t. I came to find out that my mother M/C before me and DH’s grandmother M/C before DH’s father. I’m sad for them and I understand their heartache but it doesn’t make me feel any less sad for myself.

CONCLUSION

And there you have it. My pursuit for mommy hood comes to a bitter end and the date 4-13 will always have special meaning in my heart. As the days go on things get a little better and a little easier but I still get down and have bad days. DH packed up all the things we bought for our little one, the books we were reading, we shut the door we were planning on using as the nursery- I very rarely go in there. The sonogram, well that I’m not sure where it is. I’m thinking a safe place tucked into DH’s desk drawer maybe one day I’ll be able to pull it out and remember when. The toughest part of the whole situation are that the memories I have to look back on for my first pregnancy are good ones that unfortunately come to an unhappy end. I have trouble moving past this and I hope that I will one day soon. I’m hoping that I get PG in the very near future, not to replace the baby I lost but so that I have some joy and a little one to look forward to. I’m thinking it will help me forget the pain. My next PG will be different, I will still eat healthy and read my books but I will focus less on all the negative and the worry and just think positive for the end result. I pray that I won’t be paranoid and that I “paid my dues”. I hope I never have to go through this again. I pray that no one I care about or no woman period has to go through this. Its been just about 4 months and DH and I have been trying for the last 2. I hate to say but with each AF that comes at the end of the month I nearly have a breakdown. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to make sure all is well since AF has been off (very heavy, bleed for close to two weeks). I’ll keep you posted.
xo