Symptoms Update

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I promise not to slack off anymore. So today is 5 weeks, 6 days based on AF. My dr appointment is on Wednesday, I'm so nervous. You see the last few days all has been well, more or less I'd say the spotting stopped. I even started to feel some morning sickness, maybe since Thursday on an off throughout the day really bad at night. Getting out of bed in the morning has been tough both because being tired and feeling queasy. I haven't been eating well either because of the queasy feeling. It feels like I can throw up at any moment if I think about throwing up. Last night I wasn't feeling well again and I remember I bought Sea Bands last go round. They are two bands that go around your wrists and have a plastic ball that pushes your pressure points to relieve you of nausea. I decided to sleep with them last night and it totally worked! There were only a few times during the middle of the night when I woke up and didn't feel right and waking up this morning only took about 15 minutes of laying there until I was ready to get up. TMI alert, when I went to the bathroom this morning I noticed blood, red blood enough to make me want to throw up and pass out all at the same time mixed with what looked like clear EWCM. I wiped again then a small streak of reddish brown on the tp. A third wipe, there was not much of anything but still a small spot of pinkish brown. The panic started. I looked in the toilet, no blood. Took a shower and everything seemed fine. Called the doctor let them know the situation, they said as long as I don't have cramping and the spotting doesn't turn to bleeding like I was getting AF I was ok. Bleeding/spotting is normal during the first trimester. Why can't I get this through my thick head??!! So as it stands right now, I have been drinking water like its my job all day, running to the bathroom every so often to pee and there is only a small amount of spotting going on. Sometimes it looks like spotty DC and sometimes it looks like what I think they call 'old blood'. All I know is I can't wait to go to the doctor on Wednesday and vent and make sure all is well down under. I took my Sea Bands off hoping the nausea would come back and I've been ok this far. All the websites and books 'say' symptoms may not even start until 6 weeks and they are on and off so one day you can be so sick and the next totally fine. So now a different type of waiting game, this one much worse than the anticipation of a BFP. I'll keep you posted on any updates, of course DH is away on business until tomorrow and I have to deal on my own. I didn't want to tell him and worry him while he was away but I don't have any one to talk to and tell me everything is going to ok so I had to tell him. He send me prayers and kisses and I hope you will do the same. xo

Sorry I Suck

I've been out of touch for no reason other than laziness. Today is 5 weeks 1 day. No 'real' symptoms as of yet. Thank God (while knocking on wood) the spotting/tinted DC has subsided. I woke up today with what feels like I got punched in my ribs. I did 'shovel' snow yesterday, actually I wasn't shoveling I just push the snow off the deck with a shovel so that my little man and go out and perhaps that is what did it. I googled rib pain and pregnancy and basically unless you are at the 7 month mark, there is no excuse. Other than that, I've been reading and hearing that the symptoms start to kick in next week so hopefully we will see what happens. I'm scheduled to see the gyno next Wednesday, 6 weeks 1 day, a week and a half earlier than the first go-round. I guess they want me to come in earlier to make sure everything is ok. Not sure if they'll be able to do an u/s, will they be able to see or even hear anything? The books all say not to expect to hear a heart beat until 9 or 10 weeks but I heard it first go around at 7 and 8 weeks. So I'm not sure what to expect, I'm so nervous!! It still hasn't hit me that I'm PG. I mean really, especially symptom-less it's just so surreal. Anyway not much else, sorry I'm boring, guess its better than stressing out like a crazy lady which is what I usually do but I'm taking a break from that today. xo

Are you there God, No, I need You

Dear God,
Thank you so much for blessing me with my miracle. I'm sorry I haven't been to happy or excited yet, I am terrified of this blessing being taken away from me. As you know, I have been spotting and I"m not sure if this is normal or the start of a potential situation. I am trying to listen to keep it calm and stress free. I pray and beg that you please let me keep this baby and give me the strength to chill out. Thank you God.
xx

So I've been doing a lot of praying this weekend. Unfortunately I missed church yesterday but that didn't stop me from praying. There has been some very light spotting (pink/peach DC) on and off through the weekend. I thought it stopped yesterday but to my dismay I just checked and its back. Ugh. I know, I've read spotting is normal and there are women who spot their entire pregnancy and go on to have normal healthy babies and I even had a friend who spotted most of her first trimester very badly who went on to deliver a beautiful baby boy this past summer but spotting = paranoia. The weird thing about spotting, when I was told first go-round my baby's heart stopped beating I was still feeling PG and there was no signs or symptoms of a m/c. If it weren't for the sonogram that morning, I would have never known, though I'm sure a few days later the bleeding would have started. My drs. appointment is 1 week from tomorrow. God willing I will only be about 6 weeks, to early to hear a heart beat and possibly to small to see one. I am assuming they want me to come in early than the 7-8 weeks because of the last m/c. I'm so scared to go, whats even more nerve racking was it wasn't my first appointment last time, it was the second with the bad news. Planning on taking it easy, continuing to drink loads of water which is starting to make me nauseous, if I think about throwing up like I am right now, I am gagging in my seat. Hmm..perhaps this is a good sign. I'll keep you posted and please think of me in your prayers. xo

Been a Long Time, Shouldn't Have Left You

Sorry its been two days, last I checked in I was cursing my lady parts and hating life. Well a few things have changed. For starters I probably should have waited to have my nervous break down until this weekend. Tuesday when AF didn't show I decided to test that night and to DH and my surprise, BFP! I'm actually still in shock. I tested twice because the positive vertical part of the plus sign was much darker than the negative horizontal part and for whatever reason I was thinking I was reading the test incorrectly which stupid me, it made a plus sign anyway so it didn't matter what line was darker. After taking the second test the next morning, same results it confirmed that my levels were high, hence the darker line. So finally BFP! The funny thing is I started this blog this month and it seems like I got PG after only one cycle but if I could bring you back, I m/c ed in September and have been trying diligently since October so its been quite a few months. So here I am officially on my way to mommyhood. I'm terrified! Honestly, so scared, mostly because I don't want what happened to me once to ever happen to me again. I will say I am not paranoid this time around though on a few occasions I have checked my undies but only since I was in the bathroom peeing anyway. Its been 3 days, no symptoms really. Under my armpits is sore and I can't sleep on my stomach anymore. Weird pain like sensation, I have reverted to sleep on my side. I am paranoid about the way I stretch in my sleep- I'm like a crazy person doing gymnastics with legs that do split like motions. I seem to twist my torso to get comfy and I'm nervous I'm hurting the baby. I'll have to be sure to ask the dr. about this. Speaking of which my gyno is out on maternity leave, how ironic. My new dr. is the one who did my d&c, sweet lady. So I am set for Feb. 11th. I also called the endo because I'm staying on top of this this time. He already bumped me up to synthroid 100 from 75 and I am to have blood taken in 4 weeks followed by an appointment with him in late Feb. Excellent dr., he got on the phone personally with me when I called his office late on Tuesday, can you believe that? DH and I were so impressed, I mean really! So that is the story. I am dying for a wax, really its a jungle down there lol, hope that made you laugh cause its really not funny. I'm scheduled for Tuesday at 11, ugh, that's going to be forever!! Anyway, that's all I have for you. I'm eating healthy and trying to exercise, I walked around my development today, its was about a mile, with my little man. Getting ready to make dinner, I'll keep you posted.

Are you there God, Its Me Margaret

No Margaret is not my name and no I never read the book. I know that I had to in 5th grade and somehow I read the first chapter, the last chapter, the back cover and got away with it.

So I'm not 'breaking down' today. I'm afraid after I cursed my lady parts yesterday AF is playing what she thinks is a funny little trick on me. You guessed it spotting stopped yesterday- midday- and there has been nothing since. I am terrified. I don't want to get by hopes up because I don't think you want me to drum up another Mariah song for you viewing and listening pleasure. She is due today. Today is day 27, where is she???!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't want her to come, I just wished I would have waiting to have my breakdown until later this week, that's all. If I don't wake up with it tomorrow or maybe Thursday I'm thinking of testing. When I was PG in the summer I tested 3 days after AF was due thinking that the plane and trip messed my cycle up.

No symptoms (SXs), except for the same sore (.) and this morning and had a bad cramp for about 5 minutes where I was sure she came but there was nothing there. Hmm..interesting. Maybe I'll test tonight if I could muster up enough pee. You see, I've been drinking tons which is making me pee tons all while conveniently checking my undies every few hours. If I am PG, this time around there will be no undie checking obsessions- I promise!

Breakdown

In reality I’m slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I’m dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise til I go home at night
And I turn down all the lights and then break down and cry
~Mariah Carey, Breakdown

So as you all can imagine, I had a breakdown last night, a pretty bad one. It started early in the morning when I woke up to a spot. I was moody and down all day because I feel that I am out of the running. What makes me so mad and upset is that I actually thought this was MY month. I had it all planned in my head. I would wake up today and call the gyno and endo and tell them both the great news. Ask the endo when I should go for more blood work and when I should start increasing my thyroid medication dosage- I am going to be ready and on top of things this time. For the gyno, I’d make my 8 week appt and ask her about all the gym classes I’m taking, will they hurt the baby? Last time around I stopped working out, this time I wanted to continue. I was also daydreaming about calling the dress place to order my wretched MOH dress, of course I wouldn’t need a size zero I’d ask them what size they’d think I’d need since I’m PG. Started daydreaming of names again and where my first sonogram was. I’d love to take a look at it again but of course this time I wouldn’t be so sad because I have good news on the way. I also thought about letting my mom know ASAP that way she could cook for me and wondered if it would be awkward to tell her the news for the second time. Then I thought about my sissy and how happy she would be, that she probably would start crying. Then I remembered- Wake the F* up, your spotting, you’re out of the game Dumb*ss. Ugh. I kept it in all day, took DH’s parents to the airport then lunch with my parents, I just wanted to be on the couch all day feeling sorry for myself. We came home around 7and I went right into the bathroom and broke down. I just cried and cried and cried. I was mad at myself, mad at God, sad, why is it that it’s not happening? Everyone else is PG or having babies and here I am with my sh*t luck. Why is it when people don’t want to get PG, like even on my TV shows, they get PG. Why haven’t I got PG already, I thought after a D&C its cake. Its not fair and what’s really not fair is that I should be close to 7 months PG. I know I can’t harp on what could have been because it’s done and over with but I just can’t help but be sad. You know you get PG and you start planning the rest of your life, why would you think otherwise and think that you are going to m/c? I remember specifically seeing the trailer for Confessions of a Shopoholic and thinking, God I’m going to be huge when that comes out but that I would still manage to look cute on my date with DH to the movies. And here I am, not even PG with my surgery almost 5 months ago. All I can ask is why and continue to be mad. And I’m so pissed at everyone, DH’s sisters for their lack of emotional sensitivity, a stupid friend who makes comments that everyone is getting PG and is due this spring and summer and BFF for asking me how I’m ‘holding up’ with the birth of DH’s cousins baby this past weekend. Am I jealous? No b*tch, I’m actually pissed at how stupid you are and how I’m not sure I even want to be in your wedding anymore. Why do I have to order my MOH dress 11 months before the wedding, so you can continue to irritate me and make me resent you, I’ll order it when I order it. Ugh. I just hate people and my lady parts. I want to be PG why won’t it happen. I know it happens when you start to loosen up and relax and don’t think about so much but guess what, I can’t do that! I want to be PG and even though I talk myself into thinking I’m not going to care every month, I do. And even though I promise myself that I’m not going to have a break down and cry, I do. The icing on this arsenic cake of mine is that my spotting is on and off today was heavy this morning, not dark or bloody (sorry TMI) but light possibly like old blood- No, I’m not getting my hopes up- and now has subsided. Is AF coming tomorrow or am I going to spot for a week like I did the last two months? The only thing with the last two months is the spotting for a week happened before being due with AF on the 27th day. Tomorrow is day 27, I only spotted a day and a half. When I was PG in the summer I spotted barely for half a day 2 days before AF and then it stopped and nothing ever came. If I am PG, then I’m in trouble with all the spotting yesterday and this morning. I just can’t win. So if I don’t get AF full force tomorrow morning than I will test Wednesday. I have ZERO hope for this month and I’m bordering with having zero hope in general. If I don’t get my hopes up than I can’t get upset, right? What also goes through my mind is with BFF’s stupid wedding the beginning of November, should I even try next cycle and risk being due on her wedding day? Should I even care with all of her recent rudeness which includes my favorite- Why don’t you wait to get PG because I want you to come to my bachelorette party in Vegas and you’ll be able to order your dress in your size (a zero). I’m torn. See this will be the month where I’m on the fence and it will work and I will be screwed because I’ll end up going into labor days before or worse the day of her wedding. Do I care? Yes, there are qualities about her that I do adore for instance she has a great heart and she would have my back no matter what but at the same time she is selfish and must be the center of attention and my pregnancy would take away from her big day. She is a Leo, what do you expect. Ugh. How many ughs, is that now? Anyway, sorry to rain on your parade I’m miserable and moody. I’m going to continue listening to breakdown on playlist.com like a loser and if I get bored I'll watch the video, now if you’ll excuse me.

Sue Me...

Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, I was tired. The last two days have been a little busy, spending lots of time with DH and running errands. Nothing much to report, right (.) still hurts I think that's about it, DC and no spotting which is great news! Sorry so short and boring, I have a Sweet 16 tonight and I have to start getting ready soon. I'll keep you posted with any updates- hopefully there won't be any and AF won't come xox